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Entertainment, Productivity, Lifestyle

Jokes from wherever. …well Naija actually

1.
Malema and his bodyguards are making letter bombs.
One of the bodyguards: “I’m not sure whether I put enough explosive in this envelope before I sealed it.”
Malema: “Well, then open it and look.”
Bodyguard: “But if I open it, it will explode!”
Malema: “Don’t be stupid – it’s not addressed to you!

2.
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge 1500 naira for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is 2000 naira” chaiii na who come lose?

 

3.
Warri Conversation :

MUM: Akpos that fish & meat don boil?,
AKPOS: Yes malee.
MUM: Abeg implicate salt & maggi,attach oil,pepper & sentence d crayfish,then involve the leaves,after 10mins discharge d pot from fire, U dey hear me so?
AKPOS: Yes malee, Shoo dis soup go good 2 download with fufu o.
MUM: No worry Akpos, I don detain some fufu 4 cooler.When time reach we go give am amnesty!

4.
It was the first day of the
session and a new direct entry student, Mensah, A̶̲̥̅ Ghanaian, joined the class in one of Nigeria’s universities.
The Lecturer said, “let’s begin by reviewing some Nigeria history.”

The Lecturer asked who said, “Ȋ̝̊̅ shall return to die in the land of my fathers?”
She saw a sea of blank faces,
except for Mensah, who had his hand up.
Mensah replied: “King Jaja of
Opobo, 1875” “very good!” said lecturer.

Then she asked again, who said, “The land use act will feed the nation?”
Again, no response except from Mensah: “Obasanjo, 1976.”
The Lecturer snapped at the
class; “class, you should be
ashamed. Mensah, who is new to our Country, knows more about its history than you do.”

The Lecturer heard a loud
whisper: “Ghana must go”
“who said that?” she demanded, Mensah put his hand up, “Buhari 1984.”
At that point, a student in the back scornfully said; “Hmmm, you think you are smart?”
The Lecturer glared and asked; “All right! Now, who said that?”

Again, Mensah said, “Babangida to Abiola, 1992.”
Now furious, another student
yelled; “Oh yeah! Eat this!”
Mensah jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the Lecturer,
“Indian mistress giving an apple to Abacha, 1992”

Now, with almost mob hyseria,
someone said; “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”
Mensah frantically yelled at the at the top of his voice; “Chris Uba to Ngige, 2004!”
The Lecturer fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said; “Oh shit, we’re in Big trouble now!”
Mensah whispered; “Chimaroke Nnamani, Ayodele Fayose and Lucky Igbinedon 2007”
Someone angrily said; “Dont
answer him, he is a fool”
Mensah smiled & replied;
“Obansanjo to IBB, 2011”

5.
Bola is at home making dinner, as usual, when Bode arrives at her door.
“Bola, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya”.
“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Bode. But where’s my husband?”
“That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Bola.”
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery . ..”
“Oh, God no!” cries Bola. “Please don’t tell me.”
” I must, Bola. Your husband Akin is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”
Finally, she looked up at Bode. “How did it happen, Bode?”
“It was terrible, Bola. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”
“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Boe. Did he at least go quickly?”
“Well, Bola… no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”

6.
Memorable Speech of Idi Amin Dada After a luncheon hosted by the Queen in London in his honor, the former Ugandan leader Idi Amin Dada had this to say for his vote of thanks. “My majesty Mr. Queen Sir, horrible ministers and members of parliament, invented Guests, ladies under gentlemen.I hereby thank you completely…..Mr. Queen, sir;and also what he has done for me and my fellow Uganda who come with me.We have really eaten very much. And we are fed up completely:And also very thanks to you keenly open up from all windows:so that those plenty climates can come into lunch. But before I goback to my country with a plane from the Entebbe airport of LondonI wish to invitation you Mr. Queen, to become home to Uganda sothat we can also revenge on you .You will eat a full cow: and also feel up your stomach andwalk with difficult because of full stomach completely.Even when you want to rest at night; I will make sure thatyou sleep on top of me in the top up stairs of my mansioncompletely so that you can enjoy all the gravity of fresh air.”But now am sorry because I have to tell you that I havemade a short call on you only. But next time I shall make a long callon you to last the whole moon completely. Thank you very muchto allow me to undress you completely before these extinguishedladies under gentlemen sir.Lastly but not list, I ask the band to play our international anthemof the republic of Uganda and also the British international anthem…Your majesty sir, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and from the bottomsof all the people of Uganda .With this few words I thank you sir

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Thursday, August 25, 2011 Posted by | Jokes et al, OpenZone | Leave a comment

Know Your Trade

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went onher way.On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek; further up you will find glory.’
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011 Posted by | OpenZone | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment