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Homework

Akpors was doing his maths homework & saying:
2+5, the son of a bitch is 7.
3+6, the son of a bitch is 9…
His Mom: What are you doing?
Akpors: I’m doing maths homework.
Mom : This is how your teacher taught you?
Akpors : Yes
Infuriated, Mom asked the teacher the next day –
‘What are you teaching my son in maths?’
Teacher : Right now, we are learning addition.
Mom : Your teaching them to say 2+2, the Son of a
bitch is 4?
Teacher after laughing : What I taught them was,
2+2, The Sum of Which is 4

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Thursday, February 7, 2013 Posted by | Jokes et al | Leave a comment

Illegal

Akpos failed law & decided to make a deal with the professor.
Sir, do u know everything about law?
Prof: Yes
Akpos; if u can answer this question,i will accept my final marks. If you can’t, you have to give me ‘A”. The professor agreed.
Akpos asked, ‘What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?
The prof thought about it for hours & pondered… but found no answer.
He had to finally give up as he really did not know, so he gave Akpos his ‘A’.
The following day, professor asked same question to his students.
He was shocked when all of them raised their hands.
He asked one student the same question.
He answered: sir, you’re 65, married to 28 year old, this is legal but not logical.
Your wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy. This is logical but not legal.
Your wife’s boyfriend has failed his exam & yet u have given him an ‘A’. It’s neither logical nor legal!

Thursday, February 7, 2013 Posted by | Jokes et al | Leave a comment

Akpos Driving

Akpos hammer and buys a new Automatic BMW X6 sport.
He drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night the car just won’t move at all.
He tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck.
He then furiously calls the BMW dealers and they sent out a technician to him.
The technician asks,
“Sir, are you sure you are using the right gears?”
Full of anger Akpors replies,
“You fool, idiot man, how you could ask such a question, I’m not stupid! I use D for the Day and N for the Night.”=D =))

Wednesday, October 17, 2012 Posted by | Jokes et al | Leave a comment

Biding Your Time

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first, me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next, me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012 Posted by | Jokes et al, OpenZone | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Facebook for Animals

IF ANIMALS HAD FACEBOOK, THESE ARE MOST LIKELY TO BE THEIR STATUS UPDATES:

COCKROACH: “My Friends pls help me to thank God! Just found out Mortein na Bodyspray – didn’t kill me, just made me smell good!

CHICKEN: If tomorrow I’m not updating my status, it means am being served at MR BIGGS’… Love U all!

PIG: Ohh gosh! They throw gossip that I’m spreading flu…wtf!

DOG: I hate Calabar people!

COW: My calf wants to suck now but the farmer has taken all the milk in the morning

RAT: The owner of the house just bought a cat, we dey pack comot 2moro.

GOAT: friends… thank God 4 me ooo, a car almost hit me now now…chai! I wud hav died like fowl…

FOWL‘s comment on Goat status: I thank God 4 u ooo! dnt mind those yeye humans… dats hw they drive like goats.

Thursday, April 19, 2012 Posted by | Jokes et al | , , , | Leave a comment

Jokes from wherever. …well Naija actually

1.
Malema and his bodyguards are making letter bombs.
One of the bodyguards: “I’m not sure whether I put enough explosive in this envelope before I sealed it.”
Malema: “Well, then open it and look.”
Bodyguard: “But if I open it, it will explode!”
Malema: “Don’t be stupid – it’s not addressed to you!

2.
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge 1500 naira for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is 2000 naira” chaiii na who come lose?

 

3.
Warri Conversation :

MUM: Akpos that fish & meat don boil?,
AKPOS: Yes malee.
MUM: Abeg implicate salt & maggi,attach oil,pepper & sentence d crayfish,then involve the leaves,after 10mins discharge d pot from fire, U dey hear me so?
AKPOS: Yes malee, Shoo dis soup go good 2 download with fufu o.
MUM: No worry Akpos, I don detain some fufu 4 cooler.When time reach we go give am amnesty!

4.
It was the first day of the
session and a new direct entry student, Mensah, A̶̲̥̅ Ghanaian, joined the class in one of Nigeria’s universities.
The Lecturer said, “let’s begin by reviewing some Nigeria history.”

The Lecturer asked who said, “Ȋ̝̊̅ shall return to die in the land of my fathers?”
She saw a sea of blank faces,
except for Mensah, who had his hand up.
Mensah replied: “King Jaja of
Opobo, 1875” “very good!” said lecturer.

Then she asked again, who said, “The land use act will feed the nation?”
Again, no response except from Mensah: “Obasanjo, 1976.”
The Lecturer snapped at the
class; “class, you should be
ashamed. Mensah, who is new to our Country, knows more about its history than you do.”

The Lecturer heard a loud
whisper: “Ghana must go”
“who said that?” she demanded, Mensah put his hand up, “Buhari 1984.”
At that point, a student in the back scornfully said; “Hmmm, you think you are smart?”
The Lecturer glared and asked; “All right! Now, who said that?”

Again, Mensah said, “Babangida to Abiola, 1992.”
Now furious, another student
yelled; “Oh yeah! Eat this!”
Mensah jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the Lecturer,
“Indian mistress giving an apple to Abacha, 1992”

Now, with almost mob hyseria,
someone said; “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”
Mensah frantically yelled at the at the top of his voice; “Chris Uba to Ngige, 2004!”
The Lecturer fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said; “Oh shit, we’re in Big trouble now!”
Mensah whispered; “Chimaroke Nnamani, Ayodele Fayose and Lucky Igbinedon 2007”
Someone angrily said; “Dont
answer him, he is a fool”
Mensah smiled & replied;
“Obansanjo to IBB, 2011”

5.
Bola is at home making dinner, as usual, when Bode arrives at her door.
“Bola, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya”.
“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Bode. But where’s my husband?”
“That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Bola.”
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery . ..”
“Oh, God no!” cries Bola. “Please don’t tell me.”
” I must, Bola. Your husband Akin is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”
Finally, she looked up at Bode. “How did it happen, Bode?”
“It was terrible, Bola. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”
“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Boe. Did he at least go quickly?”
“Well, Bola… no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”

6.
Memorable Speech of Idi Amin Dada After a luncheon hosted by the Queen in London in his honor, the former Ugandan leader Idi Amin Dada had this to say for his vote of thanks. “My majesty Mr. Queen Sir, horrible ministers and members of parliament, invented Guests, ladies under gentlemen.I hereby thank you completely…..Mr. Queen, sir;and also what he has done for me and my fellow Uganda who come with me.We have really eaten very much. And we are fed up completely:And also very thanks to you keenly open up from all windows:so that those plenty climates can come into lunch. But before I goback to my country with a plane from the Entebbe airport of LondonI wish to invitation you Mr. Queen, to become home to Uganda sothat we can also revenge on you .You will eat a full cow: and also feel up your stomach andwalk with difficult because of full stomach completely.Even when you want to rest at night; I will make sure thatyou sleep on top of me in the top up stairs of my mansioncompletely so that you can enjoy all the gravity of fresh air.”But now am sorry because I have to tell you that I havemade a short call on you only. But next time I shall make a long callon you to last the whole moon completely. Thank you very muchto allow me to undress you completely before these extinguishedladies under gentlemen sir.Lastly but not list, I ask the band to play our international anthemof the republic of Uganda and also the British international anthem…Your majesty sir, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and from the bottomsof all the people of Uganda .With this few words I thank you sir

Thursday, August 25, 2011 Posted by | Jokes et al, OpenZone | Leave a comment

Lessons on Life

There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge
things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look
at a pear tree that was a great distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in
summer, and the youngest son in the fall.

When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe
what they had seen.
The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted.

The second son said no it was covered with green buds and full of  promise.

The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so
sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen.

The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping
with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.

The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they
had each seen but only one season in the tree’s life.

He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season,
and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come
from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons  are up.

If you give up when it’s winter, you will miss the promise of your spring,
the beauty o f your summer, fulfillment of your fall.

Moral lessons:
Don’t let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest.
Don’t  judge life by one difficult season.
Persevere through the difficult patches and better times are sure to come some time or later

Wednesday, February 22, 2006 Posted by | Jokes et al | 1 Comment

Tickle Me Elmo

A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The personal manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The personal manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the “Tickle Me Elmo” line and nothing else. The woman happily excepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there’s a knock at the personal manager’s door. The “Tickle Me Elmo” line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman he just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the personal manager suggested he show him the problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo’s legs.

The personal managers starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says, “I’m sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles.”

Monday, February 20, 2006 Posted by | Jokes et al | Leave a comment

Mother of all gags

This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for “Termination without Cause”. Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: “Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?”
Caller: “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
Operator: “What sort of trouble??”
Caller: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.” Operator: “Went away?”
Caller: “They disappeared.”
Operator: “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
Caller: “Nothing.”
Operator: “Nothing??”
Caller: “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
Operator: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??”
Caller: “How do I tell?”
Operator: “Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??”
Caller: “What’s a sea-prompt?”
Operator: “Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”
Caller: “There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
Operator: “Does your monitor have a power indicator??”
Caller: “What’s a monitor?”
Operator: “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on??”
Caller: “I don’t know.”
Operator: “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??”
Caller: “Yes, I think so.”
Operator: “Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall. Caller: “Yes, it is.”
Operator: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??”
Caller: “No.”
Operator: “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.” Caller: “Okay, here it is.”
Operator: “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
Caller: “I can’t reach.”
Operator: “Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??”
Caller: “No.”
Operator: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??”
Caller: “Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.”
Operator: “Dark??”
Caller: “Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
Operator: “Well, turn on the office light then.”
Caller: “I can’t.”
Operator: “No? Why not??”
Caller: “Because there’s a power failure.”
Operator: A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??”
Caller: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
Operator: “Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
Caller: “Really? Is it that bad?”
Operator: “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
Caller: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??”
Operator: “Tell them you’re too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!”>>>

Friday, February 17, 2006 Posted by | Jokes et al | 2 Comments

How’s this for a gag reel?

Travel Centre
Customer: “I’ve been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can’t get through to enquiries, can you help?”.
Operator: “Where did you get that number from, sir?”.
Customer: “It was on your door”.
Operator: “Sir, they are our opening hours”.

Samsung Electronics
Caller: “Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?”
Operator: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about”.
Caller: “On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?”
Operator: “I think you mean the telephone point on the wall”.

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: “Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?” Operator: “Doesn’t the product give you a clue?”

Enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in France
Caller : “If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?”

Directory Enquiries
Caller: “I’d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please”.
Operator: “I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Is the spelling correct?”
Caller: “Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the ‘B’ fell off”.

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: “Woven? Are you sure?”
Caller: “Yes. That’s what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland”.

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator
Caller: “I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on”.

Try this one
Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop”.
Customer: “OK”.
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”.
Customer: “No”.
Tech Support: “OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No”.
Tech Support: “OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point??
Customer: “Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click'”.

Or this one
Tech Support: “OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?”
Customer: “Wow. How can you see my screen from there?”

Or even this one
Caller: “I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?”.

Friday, February 17, 2006 Posted by | Jokes et al | Leave a comment