Rehearse your presentation (or avoid surprises)

Little Johnny watched his Daddy’s’ car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane In a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

‘Mom, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to Look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his Pants off, then Aunt Jane …

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, ‘ Johnny , this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time?

I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it Tonight.

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, ‘I was at the Playground and I saw my Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a Big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.’

Mommy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt! Never judge till u have the true picture!!!

Tomato Story

A Jobless man applied for the position of ‘office boy’ at Microsoft.

The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

‘You are employed’ he said. Give me your e-mail address and I’ll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.

The man replied ‘But I don’t have a computer, neither an email’.

‘I’m sorry’, said the HR manager. If you don’t have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn’t exist, cannot have the job.’

The man left wi th no hope at all.
He didn’t know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate. He then
sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours,

he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.

Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US
He started to plan his family’s future, and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.
The man replied,’I don’t have an email.’ The broker answered curiously, ‘You don’t have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an
empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an e mail?!!’ The man thought for a while and replied, ‘Yes, I’d be an office boy at Microsoft!’

Moral of the story

Moral 1

Internet is not the solution to your life.

Moral 2

If you don’t have Internet, but work hard, you can be a millionaire.

Moral 3

If you received this message by email, you are closer to being an
office boy/girl, than a millionaire………

P.S – Do not give comments back to me, I am closing my blog & going to sell tomatoes!!!

Xanita.com’s photostream

Xanita.com’s photostream on Flickr.

Interesting what you can achieve with paperboard.

Jokes from wherever. …well Naija actually

1.
Malema and his bodyguards are making letter bombs.
One of the bodyguards: “I’m not sure whether I put enough explosive in this envelope before I sealed it.”
Malema: “Well, then open it and look.”
Bodyguard: “But if I open it, it will explode!”
Malema: “Don’t be stupid – it’s not addressed to you!

2.
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge 1500 naira for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is 2000 naira” chaiii na who come lose?

 

3.
Warri Conversation :

MUM: Akpos that fish & meat don boil?,
AKPOS: Yes malee.
MUM: Abeg implicate salt & maggi,attach oil,pepper & sentence d crayfish,then involve the leaves,after 10mins discharge d pot from fire, U dey hear me so?
AKPOS: Yes malee, Shoo dis soup go good 2 download with fufu o.
MUM: No worry Akpos, I don detain some fufu 4 cooler.When time reach we go give am amnesty!

4.
It was the first day of the
session and a new direct entry student, Mensah, A̶̲̥̅ Ghanaian, joined the class in one of Nigeria’s universities.
The Lecturer said, “let’s begin by reviewing some Nigeria history.”

The Lecturer asked who said, “Ȋ̝̊̅ shall return to die in the land of my fathers?”
She saw a sea of blank faces,
except for Mensah, who had his hand up.
Mensah replied: “King Jaja of
Opobo, 1875″ “very good!” said lecturer.

Then she asked again, who said, “The land use act will feed the nation?”
Again, no response except from Mensah: “Obasanjo, 1976.”
The Lecturer snapped at the
class; “class, you should be
ashamed. Mensah, who is new to our Country, knows more about its history than you do.”

The Lecturer heard a loud
whisper: “Ghana must go”
“who said that?” she demanded, Mensah put his hand up, “Buhari 1984.”
At that point, a student in the back scornfully said; “Hmmm, you think you are smart?”
The Lecturer glared and asked; “All right! Now, who said that?”

Again, Mensah said, “Babangida to Abiola, 1992.”
Now furious, another student
yelled; “Oh yeah! Eat this!”
Mensah jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the Lecturer,
“Indian mistress giving an apple to Abacha, 1992″

Now, with almost mob hyseria,
someone said; “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”
Mensah frantically yelled at the at the top of his voice; “Chris Uba to Ngige, 2004!”
The Lecturer fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said; “Oh shit, we’re in Big trouble now!”
Mensah whispered; “Chimaroke Nnamani, Ayodele Fayose and Lucky Igbinedon 2007″
Someone angrily said; “Dont
answer him, he is a fool”
Mensah smiled & replied;
“Obansanjo to IBB, 2011″

5.
Bola is at home making dinner, as usual, when Bode arrives at her door.
“Bola, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya”.
“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Bode. But where’s my husband?”
“That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Bola.”
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery . ..”
“Oh, God no!” cries Bola. “Please don’t tell me.”
” I must, Bola. Your husband Akin is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”
Finally, she looked up at Bode. “How did it happen, Bode?”
“It was terrible, Bola. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”
“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Boe. Did he at least go quickly?”
“Well, Bola… no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”

6.
Memorable Speech of Idi Amin Dada After a luncheon hosted by the Queen in London in his honor, the former Ugandan leader Idi Amin Dada had this to say for his vote of thanks. “My majesty Mr. Queen Sir, horrible ministers and members of parliament, invented Guests, ladies under gentlemen.I hereby thank you completely…..Mr. Queen, sir;and also what he has done for me and my fellow Uganda who come with me.We have really eaten very much. And we are fed up completely:And also very thanks to you keenly open up from all windows:so that those plenty climates can come into lunch. But before I goback to my country with a plane from the Entebbe airport of LondonI wish to invitation you Mr. Queen, to become home to Uganda sothat we can also revenge on you .You will eat a full cow: and also feel up your stomach andwalk with difficult because of full stomach completely.Even when you want to rest at night; I will make sure thatyou sleep on top of me in the top up stairs of my mansioncompletely so that you can enjoy all the gravity of fresh air.”But now am sorry because I have to tell you that I havemade a short call on you only. But next time I shall make a long callon you to last the whole moon completely. Thank you very muchto allow me to undress you completely before these extinguishedladies under gentlemen sir.Lastly but not list, I ask the band to play our international anthemof the republic of Uganda and also the British international anthem…Your majesty sir, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and from the bottomsof all the people of Uganda .With this few words I thank you sir

Know Your Trade

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went onher way.On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek; further up you will find glory.’
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Spare the rod and spoil the divorce

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house was worth, but only if she signed the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home…

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON’T YOU?

Sharing Fiscal Infomation

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Service Merchandising and Selling

There is a constant drive to find new ways of product display. All the traditional channels have been used in various imaginative ways (and some not so imaginative). Given that advert regulating agencies now discourage the use of posters on the streets, new channels such as SMS, MMS and other forms of mobile advertising are being exploited often to the point of being intrusive to the proposed client. Sometimes, this service is not appreciated and can be downright rude.

But it is easy to sell a product. Just put it in the customer’s face and he (or she) will eventually give it a try. Even if it is only to prove that they do not really need it after all. At that point, the product better sell it self on its merit or else. Then the next step is to continue harassing the public to remember that the product is there for their use (benefit or otherwise).

So, how does one do the same thing for a service?

The current direction is to create an identifiable brand image and quickly make it recognisable tie the service to that image.

But branding a service is not the easiest thing in the world. Branding is relatively easy for a product, company or person. some services are completely far out unique and completely intangible so much so that they defy description to all but the creators. That said, one just has to create an identity for it. Build a brand  that is “remember-able” so that when a prospect sees the name, ..aha!

How was it done in the days before the internet, before the television, before the telephone, before the megaphone, or even before the kite. yes Kite!

So, how did the christian cross or the swastika achieve recognition? How did your country’s flag become associated with the country?

…but leave all that.  Suppose we define a service properly first, then add a few character attributes (say for example, accuracy of data or facts; timely delivery; or honest accounting or billing) which we consistently impress on the receiver of the service. Then, after this achieved, we then introduce a mark which certifies the service, and then after the mark is recognised to a few, we then create a campaign to broadcast the service.

Of course in planning the campaign, one should not forget the goal. Yes! it is often so easy to forget the goal especially when planning a multi-media, multichannel campaign. The use of technology and new media often makes us focus on the possible tricks and not on the message. The simple way is to hire a professional. Sometimes though, hiring a professional may not be so easy, but that is another story.

New Price Regime for Fuel

Hooray!! The price of fuel has been reduced from Seventy Naira to Sixty Five.

That was three days ago. Imagine, in anticipation of a price increase, the stations increase the price at the pump. Sometimes there is a scarcity of the product.

Now there is a reduction. Oh thank goodness there is no interuption of supply, but there has been no change in the price yet.

Can anybody guess how long it will take to reflect at the filling stations?

FBN Share Offer and the Stock Market

First Bank of Nigeria (FBN) is offering about three billion shares to raise around a billion Naira. The buzz in the market is that it is a very good thing, and investors are likely to have very good returns on their investment.

The market hype is so much that is clouds out everything else on the market. I think it is a good deal, but a lot of people thought UBA was a great deal too and it has not lived up to that hype in my opinion (unlike Oceanic bank).

If you want to play the market, you have to do a lot of study and research. Know the things to watch out for, and all the terms and what they stand for. EPS, P/E ratio, moving averages and things like that.

You also have to decide what kind of investor you want to be. Some trade only in new shares, while others actively seek out opportunities in older stock. Or you can be very passive and entrust your investment to an investment house to trade your money in the stock market. The choice is yours. However you want to play it, the stock market is a place to make money or lose money quickly. Play carefully.

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